I'm Sorry

My hand shakes as I sit in my closet,
And clutch my notebook to pour out my soul.
I stare at the words printed at the top,
They came from my pencil.

I can hardly get past the title
To tell you the thoughts in my head.

I've made you, my own mother cry,
And no words that I could ever speak
Will say what I want you to know.
But if it makes you feel better,
Please know that I hate myself for it,
And I wish you would hit me.

I wish you would slap me in the face,
Because I deserve to be punished.

I know I'm not worthy of you're forgiveness,
And please don't think these tears
Are of self pity, because they're not.

I weep out of lamentation for the
Actions and words I cannot take back.

I hurt. I physically hurt
From the sadness I've caused you.
I wish you could start over--
Forget me--

And have a better daughter,
Because you're worth much better more
Then the one you were given.
I mean that.

I wish I could tell you everything.
You always ask why I'm so angry,
But if you knew, you would know
That I'm not angry, but sad.

I'm sorry I made you feel bad
Because I know what it's like to feel bad--
To know that you've caused someone pain.

I do not want your apology.
I do not want you to care about me
Or why I cry.

I want you to move on
And get past me.

I think you could be happier without
The stress I cause you to feel.

Mother if I could talk to you,
I would tell you that I love you
And I ask you to not cry for my feelings.

But I can't do that.
I can't tell you everything you need
To know about me,
Because I am weak and selfish.

So I'll just write this letter to you.
A letter you will never get to read,
Because if you did,
I know you would cry for me,
And I can't do that to you again,
Not twice in one night.